What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays? everyone is saying they know you and have your backs but the fact is half of them don't even want to talk to you as anything more than a last resort. That is the sweetest feeling in the world...knowing no one wants to talk to you or hang out with you until all other resources (people) are exhausted. "Hey can I come over?" turns so easily into "Hey man, I could really give a shit less about you but you have something cool" or "I need something from you and no one else is available." I hung out with some friends this weekend and I think only a couple even cared that I was still breathing. I could really give a fuck less anymore. Why should I too? Everyone is pushing me to do something I don't want to do right now. College. Why am I supposed to give a shit about it? I can't afford it and half of the people that graduate get stuck working other jobs that they don't even like because the pay is better. What are my assets? I know how to put damn gallons of milk on a god damn shelf, I can wake up before 7 in the morning, and I can talk for days. You know when you get that vibe that someone doesn't feel like talking? Well, I don't like people being down, so I try to help them out. I think I've done it so much that I am actually taking their "bad feelings" and keeping them in. I might be a little unsafe nowadays. I even frighten myself sometimes. I have had disturbing thoughts and think I might be a little unsafe for public places so I have just been avoiding them. I stay home all week so I don't harm anyone. I feel like I need professional help but it seems no one wants to listen and no one really gives a shit. I would personally like to thank Jonas and Reggie. They are about the only people that understand and don't give a shit if I go to college and I thank them for that. It feels so good to hang out with them because I know they aren't judging me. I just don't care anymore.....
This was a post from the date of the title and actual title. This is from my Myspace blog. I hate how everything works on Myspace nowadays...but just wanted to bring them somewhere new...give them some new life...remember what I was thinking and feeling back then and how everything has changed since then...
When I wrote this, I was surprised it was around Halloween. My favorite holiday. Just shows how much I was just hating mostly everything around that time. My life was in shambles then and I was mainly going through the motions. Most of my friends had gone on to college...I had tried but couldn't get funding or grades weren't good enough...but I didn't think it was going to happen. I was back and living with my parents, working at the store again...and just motions after motions. I remember a close friend telling me not to lose sleep over not going...it wasn't important enough to fret over and the world would still be rotating. College wasn't even close to being in the plans...but then I made a promise to actually go and finish...I thought it was dumb at the time and was just talking...but when I finally did walk, it was for myself. I didn't even realize til a month later I had made good on my promise. More days pass and I'm starting to come into my own and actually figure out my true strengths and how far I want to go with real plans. I can't wait to see what this life has in store. I've held on this long and don't see any stopping soon :D -Ox
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